Let’s be honest, after years or even decades together, marriage can start to feel like a comfortable pair of slippers. Familiar, reliable… but not exactly thrilling. Between work, bills, and kids, romance often slips quietly into the background. Yet, here is the truth I have learned in over 15 years as someone who has studied marriages: romance is not optional, it is oxygen for a marriage.
Creating everyday moments that say, “I still choose you,” is what romance is all about. When couples engage in regular, deliberate acts of love, their marriages not only endure but thrive. If you have been married for a while and the spark feels waning, don’t worry; these ten realistic, sincere romantic gestures can completely change your marriage from “comfortable” to deeply connected once more.
1. Say Thank You, And Mean It
Although it may seem insignificant, gratitude has great power. Couples eventually begin to take one another for granted. No one expresses gratitude anymore, even though the bills are paid and the dishes are cleaned. However, gratitude keeps love flowing smoothly, much like fuel.
Consider cultivating an attitude of thankfulness every day. Say something like, “I appreciate how hard you work,” or “Thank you for making dinner.” Say “I’m grateful for you” in a brief text message during the day. Your spouse’s heart will naturally soften when they feel valued and seen, and yours will too.
Remember: consistent gratitude builds emotional safety. And emotional safety? That’s the foundation of lasting romance.
2. Spend Time: Real Time Together
I have seen countless couples drift apart not because of conflict, but because they stopped connecting. They are in the same room but living in different worlds, scrolling, multitasking, and distracted. Put the phone down. Turn off the TV. Spend 15 minutes truly talking each day. Ask each other, “What made you smile today?” or “What’s been on your mind lately?” You will be surprised how quickly the connection returns when you give your full attention. Plan “micro-dates” a morning coffee together, a short evening walk, or cooking side by side. It doesn’t have to be fancy; it just has to be intentional.
3. Write It Down: Love Notes Still Work
A handwritten note has a very intimate quality. It is not required to be poetic. Just be truthful. Try writing something along the lines of “I’m lucky to have you” or “You still make me laugh.” Writing a letter gives your love a voice that endures.
I once worked with a couple who wrote letters to each other on their anniversaries, expressing their gratitude for the year. They told me that those notes, which chronicled their love over time, turned into their most cherished mementos. Get a pen, then. Much warmth can be rekindled with a few words.
4. Recreate Special Memories
Remember your first date? Your wedding song? That road trip where you laughed until you cried? Revisit it. Nostalgia is powerful, it reminds your brain and heart of what you’ve already built together.
Revisit a place that meant something to you, or recreate your first date right at home. Play your old songs, cook the same meal, or watch the movie you saw when you first fell in love. These moments say, “Our story still matters.”
5. Serve Each Other in Small Ways
Love is a verb. It speaks louder than words when you show your spouse kindness, not out of duty but out of love. In the morning, make their coffee. Run an errand they don’t like. Make their favorite dish “just because.” Saying, “I’ve got you,” is more important than keeping score.
These deeds of service become the silent language of love in long-term marriages. They demonstrate that romance exists in everyday devotion rather than during significant events.
6. Listen To Each Other Like You Used To
One of the most romantic things you can do is listen, really listen. After years together, many couples assume they already know what the other person is going to say. But deep listening is not about fixing or advising, it is about presence. When your spouse talks, pause what you are doing.
Look them in the eyes. Don’t interrupt. Reflect back on what you hear. “It sounds like you had a tough day.” “That must have been frustrating.” These small moments of emotional presence create a connection that words can’t. Listening says, “You matter to me.” And in marriage, that’s gold.
7. Bring Back Everyday Affection
One of the easiest ways to bring back warmth is through touch. Holding hands while walking, kissing before work, or giving a brief but intense hug all release oxytocin, the “bonding hormone” that fortifies intimacy and trust. Many couples eventually restrict touch to intimacy or routine.
However, affection throughout the day, a quick back rub, a spontaneous kiss, or a hand on the shoulder, maintains the emotional current. It’s about using simple, loving touch to stay connected, not about extravagant gestures.
8. Surprise Each Other Again.
Routine is comforting, but surprises bring back excitement. Think of a small, unexpected gesture that would make your partner smile. Leave a love note in their lunch bag. Bring home their favorite treat. Plan a date without telling them the details. You don’t need to spend much just show thoughtfulness. The point is to say, “I was thinking about you.” I have seen even the most distant couples light up again after a simple, heartfelt surprise. It’s proof that a spark can always be reignited with a bit of intention.
9. Dream and Grow Together
Couples’ emotional ties are strengthened when they have similar interests or goals. Working toward a common goal, whether it be organizing a trip, planting a garden, or learning something new together, rekindles enthusiasm and teamwork. I frequently advise couples to create a “dream list.” Include both big and small activities you want to do together, such as volunteering, going to a new place, taking a dance class, or even just redesigning your space. Togetherness, not perfection, is the aim. You don’t just share life when you grow up together; you co-create it.
10. Practice Forgiveness and Fresh Starts
No marriage is perfect. Every couple will hurt each other, sometimes deeply. But forgiveness is what transforms love from fragile to resilient. It says, “I value our connection more than being right.” Don’t sweep issues under the rug, but don’t weaponize them either.
When you forgive, you’re freeing both yourself and your partner. You’re saying, “Let’s start again.” You might even create a ritual for renewal, a monthly “reset” talk, a shared walk after conflicts, or simply ending tough days with, “I love you, still.” True romance isn’t just flowers and candles, it’s the courage to keep choosing love, even after mistakes.
Final Thoughts
Romance isn’t about fireworks; it’s about the steady glow that guides you through every season of marriage. It’s choosing gratitude when life feels busy. It’s taking time to listen when you’re tired. It’s holding hands, forgiving quickly, and showing up day after day. After years of counseling couples, I can tell you this: the strongest marriages aren’t the ones that never struggle.
They’re the ones that keep tending the fire. Love doesn’t stay alive by accident it thrives through small, deliberate acts of kindness, affection, and grace. So, if your marriage feels comfortable but dull, take heart. You don’t need to start over, you just need to start intentionally. A single act of love can spark a thousand more. Your story isn’t finished, it’s still being written. And the next chapter can be the most beautiful one yet.
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